What we say to a person with depression has an enormous impact on how they will feel. If you know someone who is struggling with symptoms of depression, you naturally want to help in any way you can. Talking with them can be a great help, but there are some things that are commonly said that is really unhelpful. Here are 3 of them.
1. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself”
When we listen to a person speak and witness their depressed state, it’s very easy to confuse what’s happening to them with an excessive case of self-pity. Self-pity can seem selfish, like a superficial attention grab. This is likely to be frustrating to be around, and our sympathy can only extend so far before we become cynical and unimpressed. But the distinction is that someone with depression is actually clinically unwell, and in need of ongoing help, unable to lift the cloud of depression from their mind.
2. “I just want you to be like your old self again.”
This is a common statement, and not an unreasonable way to feel if you see someone you care about going through depression. It can be heartbreaking to witness, extremely hard to support someone, and there is likely to be a strong feeling of wishing your friend/relative could just go back to how they were before the depression took hold. Say it, but not to the depressed person – say it to someone who is supporting you, because this one is your issue; it isn’t the depressed person’s. The person may not be able to revert to their ‘former self’.
3. “You have to stay strong for… (your family, your children, etc.)”
This is another comment that comes from a good place. It means we are thinking of how the person’s condition might harm a third party, and encouraging them to think about that. The problem with this comment, however, is twofold: first, it assumes that the person is NOT mentally strong, second, it implies that the person’s feelings aren’t important, but someone else’s is.
The single most important thing you can do for a loved one who has depression is to encourage them to seek help with their issues so that they can feel better. Mental illness is just as real as any physical condition, and it can be dangerous to one’s safety. No-one should have to suffer in their daily life, and chronic illness prevention requires psychological intervention as early as possible.
